The war for Earth is over.
The Thuban invasion fleet has been destroyed. The reptilian armies occupying several continents are retreating. The Astartes have begun dismantling their defensive positions. Neuschwabenland has withdrawn most of its forces back beneath Antarctica.
Human civilization has survived.
And apparently we have actual cannibal Shia LaBeouf to thank for it.
At this point, I don’t want an explanation.
Unfortunately, we have one.
The final battle began early Monday morning when the Thubans launched what military officials now believe was their last attempt to break the increasingly unstable alliance defending Earth. Hundreds of ships descended through the atmosphere while ground forces attacked Astartes positions across Europe, Asia, and North America.
For several hours, it looked like the Thubans might actually pull it off.
The Astartes were exhausted after months of fighting. Neuschwabenland had lost nearly a third of its aircraft. Human militaries were running dangerously low on ammunition capable of penetrating Thuban armor.
Even the unidentified psychic whose tychokinesis had spent months ruining reptilian plans through increasingly absurd coincidences appeared to have reached the limit of what probability manipulation could accomplish.
Then actual cannibal Shia LaBeouf walked out of the woods.
Nobody knows why he was there.
Nobody knows how he got there.
Nobody knows why nobody noticed him earlier.
Footage recovered from an Astartes helmet camera shows actual cannibal Shia LaBeouf emerging from a densely wooded area approximately six kilometers behind the primary Thuban battle line.
He was alone.
He did not appear to be carrying a firearm.
He was covered in dirt.
And for reasons that remain under investigation, one Thuban soldier immediately turned around and ran.
That turned out to be the correct decision.
The others were not so fortunate.
Over the next eleven minutes, actual cannibal Shia LaBeouf somehow eliminated an entire Thuban command unit.
Military analysts have reviewed the footage dozens of times and remain unable to explain exactly what happened.
One moment, a Thuban officer was directing artillery fire toward an Astartes position.
The next moment, actual cannibal Shia LaBeouf was behind him.
Nobody saw him approach.
Nobody detected him on thermal sensors.
Nobody heard anything.
He was simply there.
A knife was involved.
We are not going to elaborate.
The remaining Thubans panicked.
This is significant because Thubans have generally not demonstrated much fear of humans. They have fought Space Marines, tanks, aircraft, and technologically advanced Nazis without breaking formation.
Apparently actual cannibal Shia LaBeouf is different.
Recovered Thuban communications include repeated warnings about a “forest predator” and something translated approximately as “the human that should not be there.”
One officer ordered his soldiers to maintain formation.
Thirty seconds later, he disappeared.
Another soldier reported seeing actual cannibal Shia LaBeouf crawling through nearby vegetation.
A third insisted he was in a tree.
A fourth claimed that was impossible because they had just seen him somewhere else.
Nobody believed the fourth soldier for very long.
His transmission abruptly ended.
The chaos quickly spread beyond the immediate battlefield.
Thuban commanders initially believed they were facing some kind of specialized human infiltration unit. Reinforcements were dispatched to the area.
They did not come back.
An armored personnel carrier was found abandoned approximately twenty minutes later with its doors open and no crew inside.
A Thuban drone recorded actual cannibal Shia LaBeouf briefly staring directly into its camera before the feed cut out.
The drone was later discovered hanging from a tree.
Nobody knows how it got there.
At approximately 9:17 a.m., the Thuban high command issued an emergency order instructing all personnel to avoid wooded areas.
This was not particularly useful.
Because by then, actual cannibal Shia LaBeouf was no longer in the woods.
He was inside their command bunker.
Again, nobody knows how.
The bunker was protected by six security checkpoints, biometric scanners, armed guards, automated turrets, and a defensive force field.
None of them stopped actual cannibal Shia LaBeouf.
Security footage shows a door opening.
Then another door.
Then another.
At one point, two Thuban guards can be seen running down a corridor in the opposite direction.
Several seconds later, actual cannibal Shia LaBeouf calmly passes the camera.
He does not appear to be running.
This somehow makes the footage worse.
The Thuban supreme commander attempted to evacuate.
He made it approximately forty feet.
What happened next has been classified.
Officials have confirmed only that actual cannibal Shia LaBeouf survived.
The commander did not.
News of the incident spread through the Thuban fleet almost immediately.
Morale collapsed.
Several ships attempted to flee Earth orbit. Others surrendered. At least two fired on each other after their crews mistakenly believed actual cannibal Shia LaBeouf had somehow boarded them.
He had not.
Probably.
The Astartes took advantage of the confusion and launched a full counterattack.
Neuschwabenland aircraft struck Thuban ships attempting to withdraw from the atmosphere.
Human forces pushed remaining ground units out of occupied territory.
Within six hours, an invasion that had lasted months was effectively finished.
The Thubans requested terms.
Their only condition was that actual cannibal Shia LaBeouf not be permitted aboard any vessel transporting prisoners.
Earth representatives agreed.
The Astartes also agreed.
This may be the first thing everyone has agreed upon since the war started.
Attempts to question actual cannibal Shia LaBeouf have not been successful.
Shortly after the battle, an American military patrol located him walking alone along a rural road.
When soldiers approached, actual cannibal Shia LaBeouf reportedly looked at them, nodded once, and continued walking.
They decided not to stop him.
Nobody has criticized this decision.
The mysterious psychic also remains unidentified, although some investigators briefly considered the possibility that actual cannibal Shia LaBeouf and the probability-manipulating psychic were the same person.
That theory was dismissed after statistical analysis determined that the events surrounding Shia LaBeouf were not merely improbable.
They were something else entirely.
One researcher described it as “predatory causality.”
Nobody knows what that means.
Nobody asked him to elaborate.
The war has now officially ended.
The surviving Thubans have agreed to leave Earth and recognize human control of the planet they abandoned millions of years ago.
The Astartes are expected to remain temporarily while ensuring the withdrawal is completed.
Neuschwabenland has returned beneath Antarctica, where officials insist it intends to resume its previous isolation.
Surface governments have already begun planning reconstruction.
For the first time in months, humanity can finally begin returning to normal.
There is just one unresolved issue.
Nobody knows where actual cannibal Shia LaBeouf is.
Authorities lost track of him shortly after his encounter with the military patrol.
Several unconfirmed sightings have since been reported near wooded areas across the United States.
Officials insist there is no reason for the public to panic.
Maybe they’re right.
Maybe actual cannibal Shia LaBeouf saved humanity, finished his work, and quietly returned to whatever he was doing before an alien invasion required his attention.
Maybe we’ll never hear from him again.
Personally, I am no longer making predictions.
Over the last year, Earth has been invaded by Saiyans, defended by Space Marines, attacked by ancient shapeshifting reptilians, rescued by underground Antarctic Nazis, protected by an unidentified psychic who weaponizes bad luck, and finally saved by actual cannibal Shia LaBeouf emerging from the woods with a knife.
That’s it.
I’m done.
If the Moon turns out to be an egg tomorrow, somebody else can cover it.